Squirrel Attack
by blackcat9517
Summary: A squirrel runs lose but that's not enough for Arkham Asylum. Lots of surprises await as the night descends into madness and chaos. Crackfic.


**Squirrel Attack**

Arkham Asylum at night was usually quiet. After a long day of either being brought in by Batman or fighting with other inmates, the rogues needed their beauty sleep. However, the asylum is known for having a security system worse than a standard shopping mall. Take the Joker for example. He was silently walking along the corridors and stopped in front of a cell before reaching into his pocket for a key card, he swiped it and entered the cell before silently closing the door.

"Miss me, baby?" he murmured as Harley saw her boyfriend standing before her.

She squeaked in happiness and ran into his embrace "Puddin'!"

He twirled her around before setting her on the ground and kissed her "How's my Pumpkin Pie?"

As Harley was about to speak, the clown couple heard a loud high-pitched scream coming from the left side of cell. "Red?"

"GET OFF! GET OFF! GUARDS!"

A look of concern washed over Harley's face "Red? What's going on in there?" she asked, trying to look through the bars of her cell.

The Joker's only response was a laugh as Poison Ivy screamed again. "I know your garden hasn't been tended in a while Pammie but there's no need to show how desperate you are! I thought you could do better than a bunch of Arkham guards!" he laughed again, earning him a glare from his girlfriend.

"That's not funny, Mr.J!"

A group of guards rushed to Poison Ivy's cell and one of them then looked through the bars. "What's going on?"

"There's a squirrel on my head!" she hissed, trying to get the little critter away from her hair.

The guards exchanged looks while the Joker was trying to prevent himself from laughing. He wasn't going to explain why he was in Harley cell yet but it got the better of him as he burst into a fit of laughter, surprising the guards.

"God dammit! How did the Joker get in Harley Quinn's cell?!"

The Joker then peered out of the cell and smiled at them "Oh, don't mind me boys. Why don't you help Plant Lady over there? Poor squirrel thinks she's a tree but I don't blame it! Also, her garden needs a little water."

"It's in my shirt!"

"Red! You need to stop panicking!"

The guard who was holding the key nodded to the rest and swiped the card, opening the cell door as Poison Ivy came out screaming and thrashing before she knocked one of the guards with her elbow. The guards tried to control her but since she was free from her cell, a large vine burst through the walls, causing most of the guards to lose consciousness.

In the ensuing chaos, the squirrel flew away from the screaming super criminal and ran into a room which had the sign 'Security' on it. It jumped on to the desk, making the guard who was about to press the emergency button jump in shock.

"What the…," he muttered before attempting to catch the small animal "Come here you little…" he tried to catch it with his hands but missed and hit the keyboard. Suddenly, an automated announcement was made.

"_Opening all cell doors_."

The guard cursed under his breath as the announcement continued for the second time and he started panicking. He was definitely going to die or get fired after this. He wasn't sure which one he would prefer though and so he reached for his gun and ran to the Head of Arkham's office to look for Dr. Leland.

"Red, you okay?" Harley asked as she gripped the bars after her friend had stopped screaming.

"_Opening all cell doors_."

The door to Harley's cell suddenly swished opened. The Joker couldn't believe his luck tonight and so he laughed again. "Can this night get any better, Harley Baby? Plant Lady getting attacked by a squirrel and now this! Thanks for being desperate, Pammie!" he said as flashed her a smile.

"You stupid jerk!" Poison Ivy screamed as she tried to punch him in the face but missed.

"Now, now, Pammie, let's not fight in front of the kiddies! Violence is bad for children and that includes your baby plants too."

The human-plant hybrid gritted her teeth in anger and balled her hands into fists. Harley then grabbed her hand as she tried to punch the Joker again. "Red, why don't you go ahead and walk around? Mr.J just got here," she reasoned with pleading big blue eyes.

She glared the madman before her before hissing, "I hate you," she then whirled around and walked into her cell before shutting the door with a thunderous sound.

The Joker had never felt so happy being in Arkham before and he thought it couldn't get any better than being free just hours after being brought in by Batman.

"Let's go to the personal item locker, Harl. We're busting outta this joint!"

Harley's face fell "But Puddin', can't we have some alone time first? You just got here."

He gave her a look "And what? Wait for Batsy to send us back to our cells? Don't be stupid, Harley. As much as I enjoy this evening's entertainment, I'd rather go out and spread joy!"

The Joker took a few gun from the unconscious guards and gave one to Harley. "Now let's have some fun, Pumpkin!"

Harley sighed and followed her boyfriend "Should have asked Red to give me her mind controlling lipstick last night."

While the clown couple was busy collecting their belongings, many of the inmates were causing a riot in the asylum, resulting in the deaths of the staff. It was going well for the inmates as they worked their way through the cafeteria, cornering the remaining guards but one single scream caused the asylum to fall into silence.

Eddie Nygma was screaming hysterically in the cafeteria, arms flailing and legs bringing him from one side to the other. Croc who was about to punch a guard, stopped and stared at the Riddler, even the kitchen lady who was hiding behind a counter got up to see what was happening.

"There's something in my pants!" he yelled, jumping up and down. "Help!"

The rest then resumed their activity as if nothing happened. Eddie could only give them a bewildered look as he continued shaking his legs to get whatever it is that was in his pants off him.

"A little –AH! Help is appreci- AH!" the Riddler fell to the ground and a terrifying crack was heard as his skull connected with the cold concrete floor. He groaned in pain as the squirrel that was in his pants ran out and jumped on to a table, avoiding arms and legs as it did so. It then flew into Two-Face's face, causing him to shoot around aimlessly.

"What the hell?!" he growled and tried to get the squirrel off his face. Unknown to Harvey, a woman grabbed a metal tray from the counter, slowly walking towards them before flinging the object to his face. The squirrel flew away just seconds before a loud dented sound was heard. One could say that Harvey Dent became Harvey Dented that day. The criminal howled in pain as he fell to the ground clutching his now red face. The woman dropped the tray and placed his head on her lap.

"Who the hell did that?!"

"Sorry, Harvey. That stupid animal was in my cell," Poison Ivy said, biting her bottom lip, disappointed she missed the squirrel and slightly worried that her on-off boyfriend's face looked worse than usual.

At that moment, the Joker and Harley Quinn who were fully dressed in their costumes walked in. The cafeteria was in absolute chaos. People were shouting and screaming but what caught the Clown Prince of Crime's attention was the fact Eddie Nygma looked as if someone ran him over with a steamroller. He shrugged and grinned.

"This party isn't complete without me!"

"Puddin', I still think we should just leave. You know, before B-man gets here," Harley reasoned, looking around the cafeteria. She saw Poison Ivy and Two-Face making out in one corner and sighed. "If only Mr.J and me could be like that."

"What's the rush, Harl? Daddy will play a grown-up game later tonight if his Harley girl plays along too."

This immediately lightened her mood and she squeaked in happiness as the Joker kissed her cheek before shooting at a few people.

Back in the cell block, Johnny Crane and Jervis Tetch calmly took their belongings before heading to the main entrance.

"I heard something happened to Pamela and she used her plants to knock out the guards," Johnny said as he looked around the empty hallway for any guards.

Jervis Tetch arched an eyebrow and replied, "I thought she had a squirrel living in her hair and that is why we are free."

"A squirrel?"

"Yes."

"What does it look like?" the Scarecrow asked dryly.

The Mad Hatter gave his friend a look "A squirrel looks like a squirrel. Brown, small, long tail. It certainly doesn't look like a Bat," he explained and he was even more confused when his friend looked in a particular direction.

"You mean that."

Jervis craned his neck to his right and saw a flying squirrel with foam coming off its body, heading their way. It gave off the image that it was a rabid but it was just soap foam. This was unknown to the two criminals however.

Both exchanged looks before running into a hallway, leading to the cafeteria. Once they were in, they split as they had to avoid a hail of bullets in their direction.

The squirrel flew in shortly after and in the chaos, landed on the Joker's shoulder as he laughed. He glanced to his left and saw it clinging on his expensive purple suit "Hey! Get off! This suit's the best and one of a kind!" he said and attempted to knock it away but the squirrel accidentally tear his suit with its claws, making an unpleasant sound to go with it.

This time, the room fell completely silent, not because of awe but of fear. Harley wasn't sure if she should ask or brace for his ensuing anger. The latter seemed to be more like it, having known her boyfriend's attitude for years but she bravely said, "Puddin'…"

"I'LL KILL THAT PIECE OF CRAP FOR RUINING MY SUIT!" the Joker said furiously, shooting at the flying animal. His bullets had killed and injured a number of people but he didn't care.

"Mr.J! Stop! You're gonna hurt Red or Harvey or Johnny or Jervis or Joan or one of our or friends!" Harley pointed out but he ignored her completely and pushed her away. Something suddenly snapped in her and everyone, be it inmate, guard, doctor or kitchen staff, backed away, fearing for their safety. An angry Harley is bad. Very bad.

Her hands balled into fists as she gritted her teeth in anger. Some were saying their prayers while some were wishing they had a camera to record the scene. There was even a college student hiding behind the food counter and she was starting to regret her decision of working at the asylum "I knew I shouldn't have applied for a part-time job here."

Poison Ivy wanted to intervene but the look on Harley's face told her if she wanted to even talk, she would be best stay out of it but she was somewhat excited to see the clown getting whipped.

The Joker who was busy trying to get a good shot at the squirrel, got his head hit with a metal tray. He growled in pain before whirling around to face his attacker. He had expected to see a sheepish looking Harley but what greeted him was the sight of, due to lack of a better word, Satan. Literally.

Her face was red in anger and she looked as if steam was going to come out of her ears. Even her hair made it look as if she had horns. Her free hand was twitching while the other was shaking as it held the tray. Nevertheless, the Joker clutched his burning head before shooting the squirrel dead and roared, "Why did you hit me you dumb broad?!"

Her blue eyes widened before they narrowed once again "Why did I hit you? Simple! Cause you're a dumb jerk!" she hit him with the tray again "That's why!" she continued to hit him "I only wanted to spend some time with you. You left me in this dump for two weeks and only came back because Batman brought you in! I wanted to have some alone time with you and you simply shove me away! But when some stupid squirrel scratches not even an inch of your suit which can be repaired, you pay more attention to it than you ever did to me!"

There were some truths in her words but the latter was a bit exaggerated. Regardless, nobody could blame the poor clown girl. The Joker stared at her before he realized that everyone was giving their full attention to them. He slowly got off the floor, feeling his ribs burning before forcing a smile. "Harley baby, can we talk somewhere private?"

His girlfriend was still in anger but she tossed the tray away before dragging her boyfriend out of the cafeteria by his nose. Once they were out of sight, everyone else could hear them arguing again. This time, both were howling or screaming in pain and minutes later, they heard nothing. Nothing at all. It was as if they had vanished and when someone bravely went out to check, Joker and Harley were no longer in sight but he saw the janitor's closet door shut.

"They're gone," Johnny said as he entered the cafeteria, looking over at the dead squirrel lying on his favourite table. It would seem he had to choose another place to eat.

Just when everyone thought the chaos was over, someone screamed. This time, everybody but Eddie Nygma backed away. He looked down at his right leg and saw that a green snake had wrapped itself comfortably around his leg. It looked up and stuck out its thin tongue. Eddie could have sworn it was smiling at him and so he fainted, having had enough trauma in one night. Luckily for him, it was an escaped tamed snake from the zoo by the name of Roy. Dr. Leland would soon receive a huge apology card and ten admission tickets from the zoo management.

Batman then crashed through the ceiling. He was expecting people to be relieved to see him but he only received glares. The inmates and Arkham staff alike were looking at him as if he did something wrong. They had every right to call him 'The Dork Knight' that night.

"You're late," everyone said.

Without a good excuse, he meekly said, "I'm Batman."

* * *

I haven't written anything in a while but I've been planning to write this for some time now. It was fun torturing the inmates a bit XD

Anyway, thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed the story.


End file.
